Tshimanga Biakabatuka...
Is that Tshimanga Biakabatuka? We're all going to die!
20071223
Reports of my demise
Have been way overblown! Dude, like I wasn't even in a coma... as some have suggested. Yes, I did cause the rollover accident. LIJ and I were arguing over whether it was worse to wath an episode of Law&Order: Crimes instense or to watch Sex & the City (by the way, you'll note the flagrant abuse of the ampersand in every devious Chris Noth enterprise) and I guess the argument got a little heated and then I just tried to run him off the road. But the moral is that we're all okay. Fine? Fine!
Hawks versus Wizards
Something said at the end of the nail-biting Wizards loss to the Hawks at Verizon Center on Friday brought a tear of nostalgia to my eye.
Mr. guy-talking-about-the-game for SportSouth said that this was the first time the Hawks beat the Wizards in DC since April 2003 when they won eighty-some to 78. Well, all of a sudden it hit me that I was there when that happened and reminded me of how far we have come since those days, bringing in Agent Zero and Caron "The Butler Did It"... Come back soon guys...
Mr. guy-talking-about-the-game for SportSouth said that this was the first time the Hawks beat the Wizards in DC since April 2003 when they won eighty-some to 78. Well, all of a sudden it hit me that I was there when that happened and reminded me of how far we have come since those days, bringing in Agent Zero and Caron "The Butler Did It"... Come back soon guys...
Gossip Girl Update
We saw some redeeming material on this past week's X-Mas edition of our new/old favorite show. First off, there was NO Guitar hero action.
Second, there were some poignant touches of realism. Serena learned that when a guy doesn't wear a watch... it's because he doesn't wear a watch, not because he's waiting to buy you a real expensive one. It was further quite believable to cast Dan as a promising young writer with work published in the New Yorker. Finally, Vanessa revealed herself to be simply overbearing in the "best friend" role, and ASM and I were happy to see her called out by Blair. Who would think of such stupid X-Mas gifts anyway... I was actually hoping that Serena would have all her hair cut off, and Dan would buy her some bobby pins or mousse or something.
The newly introduced Roman character was a breath of fresh air. It was good to see French finally peppered liberally on such a high-profile television show. The choice of "Roman" as a name is significant, in part due to its echo of the highly novelistic plotting of the show. A mirror along the boulevard indeed! (This line of though is invalidate, however, if his name is actually Romain, and the pronunciation of the characters was just off.) Here's hoping for future appearances of Roman in this excellent drama.
Another thing... what's up with no one involved in the show having a normal name: Penn? Blake? Leighton? Chace? What's up with that? No Amare or Gilbert? I guess my progeny won't have the opportunity to be in a show as good as Gossip Girl.
Lastly, congrats to the GG team on being named by People magazine as one of the top ten TV shows of 2007. Well deserved laurels, if you ask me.
A note about our posting: As some of you know, Monkey and I faced certain complications during our migration from the North Central AZ to Athens, GA. This has deprived us of computer and Internet access for some time. Otherwise, of course, I wouldn't have waited so long to comment on last week's episode.
A shout out to the fam for allowing use of their Internets.
Second, there were some poignant touches of realism. Serena learned that when a guy doesn't wear a watch... it's because he doesn't wear a watch, not because he's waiting to buy you a real expensive one. It was further quite believable to cast Dan as a promising young writer with work published in the New Yorker. Finally, Vanessa revealed herself to be simply overbearing in the "best friend" role, and ASM and I were happy to see her called out by Blair. Who would think of such stupid X-Mas gifts anyway... I was actually hoping that Serena would have all her hair cut off, and Dan would buy her some bobby pins or mousse or something.
The newly introduced Roman character was a breath of fresh air. It was good to see French finally peppered liberally on such a high-profile television show. The choice of "Roman" as a name is significant, in part due to its echo of the highly novelistic plotting of the show. A mirror along the boulevard indeed! (This line of though is invalidate, however, if his name is actually Romain, and the pronunciation of the characters was just off.) Here's hoping for future appearances of Roman in this excellent drama.
Another thing... what's up with no one involved in the show having a normal name: Penn? Blake? Leighton? Chace? What's up with that? No Amare or Gilbert? I guess my progeny won't have the opportunity to be in a show as good as Gossip Girl.
Lastly, congrats to the GG team on being named by People magazine as one of the top ten TV shows of 2007. Well deserved laurels, if you ask me.
A note about our posting: As some of you know, Monkey and I faced certain complications during our migration from the North Central AZ to Athens, GA. This has deprived us of computer and Internet access for some time. Otherwise, of course, I wouldn't have waited so long to comment on last week's episode.
A shout out to the fam for allowing use of their Internets.
20071123
Angry Surrender Monkey's Ode to a Thanksgiving Turkey
"Gobble gobble," sayeth the Turkey.
"Gobble gobble, for I am not tofurkey.
"If thou stick'st me with thy fork,
I shall slap thee like Mickey Rourke;
"And if thou stick'st me with thy knife,
Then surely shall thou take my life;
"But if thou stuff'st me like turkducken...
Then I shall take thee outside for some
good Chinese food.
"Gobble gobble gobble gobble."
20071115
20071114
Gossip Girl: "Seventeen Candles"
Speaking of narcissism and bourgeois entitlement...
As many of you already know, Gossip Girl is my new favorite TV show. But I was troubled by this evening's episode, "Seventeen Candles", because I am afraid that it may have just jumped the shark. Why? Well for those of you who watched the show, you will know what I'm talking about when I say just these two words: Guitar Hero. I'm sorry but did watching Blake Lively jam to "Free Bird" while playing guitar hero just totally kill the character's believability? The show may have recovered were it not for the very fake scene toward the end when Serena and Vanessa began bonding over... Guitar frickin' Hero.
Now, I imagine that if Monkey ever bought me guitar hero for Chanukkah (hint hint), I would probably enjoy it. But that doesn't mean that I want to watch people taking it seriously on TV! And who wrote this episode? Skynyrd? Warrant? It's bad enough that the actors playing seventeen-year-olds are between 20 and 22 -- which is still good by 90210 standards -- but they now remember the 80s, and have the musical sensibility of a guy in his early to mid-30s?
OMG ;<>
Anyway, getting back to the episode:
Jenny and Dan's mom's head is creepy. She looks like an alien fetus with a blonde wig. I wish they would bring back Annie Camden instead. Now, that's a woman what looks like a mother.
I was never invited to parties in high school. Did I miss out on sashimi?
Did you know that "Token Black Girl" and "Token Asian Girl" who sit around and offer moral support to Blair and Serena but never are incorporated in the plot actually have names? (They're Isabel and Kati, respectively.)
Now, for those of you who do watch Gossip Girl, I just wanted to mention that I find it refreshing in its insistence upon stasis. For example, I would like to briefly address its major differences with one of the greatest primetime soap operas ever: Melrose Place. Melrose Place owes much of its success to its ability to keep suspense going from episode to episode by undermining the notion of character. The characters got chained to the monster truck wheels of the plot and, as a result, seemed to end up splattered on a variety of carny rides. There was no need for motivation, because actions prevailed. Thus, you never knew when so-and-so would break up with what's-her-face to begin sleeping with the doctor guy, before going on a psychotic murderous rampage and killing Jim-Belushi's-TV-wife chick. Or whatever... as you can tell, its been a while.
Now, after a couple of episodes of Gossip Girl, one of my friends said "Well, what's going to happen now, since Dan and Serena are already together?" -- as if this were supposed to be some kind of Scully-and-Mulder or Dempsey-and-Makepeace type of show. No, the genius of Gossip Girl is not that it's about anticipating what's not going to happen, but rather hoping that things stay the same. The suspense of Gossip Girl rests on the ability of the character's to stay the same. Thus, each episode reveals their attempts to minimalize plot in order to maintain what they have, rather than pursuing change.
Dan has to keep his new squeeze while not becoming like Nate and Chuck. Blair has to show emotion, but remain solidly unsympathetic. Chuck has to be the bad guy in every episode. And Nate has to be the pouty, misunderstood rich kid. Serena has to balance glamorous with sensitive. In a way, each character is yearning for adulthood, and yet incapable of maturing, because the trappings of adulthood are already theirs. Perhaps this conundrum of stasis is best embodied in Dan and Serena's failure to consumate their relationship in the previous week's episode.
In fact, is Gossip Girl the new Bugsy Malone?
Okay, ASM, I'll let you on the computer, now...
Reading the Tea Leaves of Monkey's Anger
Since I have a second while my new favorite show, Gossip Girl (more on that later), goes to commercial break, I just wanted to clarify a few things about ASM's recent posts.
First, dastardly Chris Noth's birthday is actually on the 13th... it's just that Monkey procrastinated again and didn't get his post in until Midnight.
Second, as for the vitriol directed at Sasha Cagen -- yes, she does suck that bad -- it's just part of Monkey's make-up to drink until he dry heaves and cries as a way of marking Chris Noth's birthday, which I guess is what gave way to his uncontrollable rage directed toward his erstwhile acquaintance. However, had he been more lucid when he was blogging last night, he may have had the presence of mind to Google Sasah Cagen, and remember that she is also the famed appropriatress of the term "Quirkyalone" which also became a book back in 2004. Now, I can't tell if her goal was to up-sell narcissism, or rather to try to put a brand name on normalcy that only narcissists would adopt as something life affirming. Either way, the same dynamic is at play in this new effort. All I can say is that it ends up with her coming out as a kind of humorless version of Dimitri Martin's Trendspotting persona on the notable Daily Show segment.
Now the question that this raises for me is whether she resorted to the To Do List concept because some guy called Bill Keaggy had already taken up the Grocery List niche, published earlier this year in the form of a book as Milk Eggs Vodka.... And ultimately, when people are provided everything (educational opportunities, summer homes, grade inflation, coteries of New Yorkers) does it then become impossible to actually generate original content? Does one then become content to merely pick through the garbage of the quotidian in order to become the first sly devil to trademark what other people have done? Has our cultural production become the book/blog equivalent of trading in derivatives? The rapid decline of contemporary French literature (before Houellebecq came along to save it from irrelevance) was similarly marked by the same flavor of narcissistic, bourgeois revelry in the status quo.
And on that note...
First, dastardly Chris Noth's birthday is actually on the 13th... it's just that Monkey procrastinated again and didn't get his post in until Midnight.
Second, as for the vitriol directed at Sasha Cagen -- yes, she does suck that bad -- it's just part of Monkey's make-up to drink until he dry heaves and cries as a way of marking Chris Noth's birthday, which I guess is what gave way to his uncontrollable rage directed toward his erstwhile acquaintance. However, had he been more lucid when he was blogging last night, he may have had the presence of mind to Google Sasah Cagen, and remember that she is also the famed appropriatress of the term "Quirkyalone" which also became a book back in 2004. Now, I can't tell if her goal was to up-sell narcissism, or rather to try to put a brand name on normalcy that only narcissists would adopt as something life affirming. Either way, the same dynamic is at play in this new effort. All I can say is that it ends up with her coming out as a kind of humorless version of Dimitri Martin's Trendspotting persona on the notable Daily Show segment.
Now the question that this raises for me is whether she resorted to the To Do List concept because some guy called Bill Keaggy had already taken up the Grocery List niche, published earlier this year in the form of a book as Milk Eggs Vodka.... And ultimately, when people are provided everything (educational opportunities, summer homes, grade inflation, coteries of New Yorkers) does it then become impossible to actually generate original content? Does one then become content to merely pick through the garbage of the quotidian in order to become the first sly devil to trademark what other people have done? Has our cultural production become the book/blog equivalent of trading in derivatives? The rapid decline of contemporary French literature (before Houellebecq came along to save it from irrelevance) was similarly marked by the same flavor of narcissistic, bourgeois revelry in the status quo.
And on that note...
A dangerous but insipid woman
YO, Sasha Cagen! You can't hide from the truth anymore! That's write! I'm talking to you ad feminem!
Everybody else, you can listen in, too...
I don't know what kind of monkey pictures you have of Mr. Blogger, but it must be somethin' real hein... 'cus you know what... I go to login to my blog like just to obsessively hate on Chris "I feel like I'm back in Arabian Nights" Noth, when I find Mr. Blogger trying to send me not only to consult your stupid To-Do_List blog, but they also want me to buy your book. Why? Who cares what people make stupid to do lists about. I never make to do lists. Because I'm smart enough to procrastinate.
Anyway, I want everybody to know the truth about you:
SASHA CAGEN IS A CRYBABY WHO EATS GROSS THINGS IN A MANNER THAT GROSSES OUT EVERYBODY AROUND HER. SHE THINKS SHE'S SMART BECAUSE SHE STARTED A ZINE BACK WHEN ZINES WERE ALL THE CRAZE BUT SHE'S REALLY JUST A STUPID NINCOMPOOP WHO SPENDS HER HOURS OBSESSIVELY HATING ON PEOPLE WHO SHE THINKS HAVE WRONGED HER. AND NOW SHE'S TRYING TO TURN A BUCK OUT OF PIECES OF PAPER THAT PEOPLE SEND TO HER BECAUSE SHE SHAS NO OUNE OF CREATIVITY AND NO ORIGINAL THOUGHTS OF HER OWN. SHE WORE BIRKENSTOCKS IN COLLEGE UNTIL PEOPLE MADE FUN OF HER. SHE EATS GROSS THINGS THAT PEOPLE LEAVE BEHIND ON THEIR PLATES. HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF SASHA CAGEN'S OWN TO-DO_LIST FROM TWELVE YEARS AGO:
1. EAT SOMETHING GROSS WITH MY FINGERS WHILE LEANING OVER ON MY CHAIR LIKE GOLUMN.
2. CRY ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DONE ME WRONG.
3. CRY ABOUT PERCEIVED SLIGHTS.
4. SAY THAT I'M BISEXUAL.
5. WRITE CRAZY TALK ABOUT BISEXUAL RIGHTS.
6. LAMELY TRY TO HURT PEOPLE TO MAKE UP FOR THE HURT I FELT.
7. TRANSFER TO BARNARD BECAUSE I'VE SHOT MY REPUTATION.
8. SPEND MY LIFE BEING USELESS AND ANNOYING UNTIL I CAN GET PAIDE FOR IT.
(not exactly in that order... results may vary)
HA HA HA HA. YOU'RE A BAD PERSON SASHA CAGEN!
Everybody else, you can listen in, too...
I don't know what kind of monkey pictures you have of Mr. Blogger, but it must be somethin' real hein... 'cus you know what... I go to login to my blog like just to obsessively hate on Chris "I feel like I'm back in Arabian Nights" Noth, when I find Mr. Blogger trying to send me not only to consult your stupid To-Do_List blog, but they also want me to buy your book. Why? Who cares what people make stupid to do lists about. I never make to do lists. Because I'm smart enough to procrastinate.
Anyway, I want everybody to know the truth about you:
SASHA CAGEN IS A CRYBABY WHO EATS GROSS THINGS IN A MANNER THAT GROSSES OUT EVERYBODY AROUND HER. SHE THINKS SHE'S SMART BECAUSE SHE STARTED A ZINE BACK WHEN ZINES WERE ALL THE CRAZE BUT SHE'S REALLY JUST A STUPID NINCOMPOOP WHO SPENDS HER HOURS OBSESSIVELY HATING ON PEOPLE WHO SHE THINKS HAVE WRONGED HER. AND NOW SHE'S TRYING TO TURN A BUCK OUT OF PIECES OF PAPER THAT PEOPLE SEND TO HER BECAUSE SHE SHAS NO OUNE OF CREATIVITY AND NO ORIGINAL THOUGHTS OF HER OWN. SHE WORE BIRKENSTOCKS IN COLLEGE UNTIL PEOPLE MADE FUN OF HER. SHE EATS GROSS THINGS THAT PEOPLE LEAVE BEHIND ON THEIR PLATES. HERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF SASHA CAGEN'S OWN TO-DO_LIST FROM TWELVE YEARS AGO:
1. EAT SOMETHING GROSS WITH MY FINGERS WHILE LEANING OVER ON MY CHAIR LIKE GOLUMN.
2. CRY ABOUT PEOPLE WHO DONE ME WRONG.
3. CRY ABOUT PERCEIVED SLIGHTS.
4. SAY THAT I'M BISEXUAL.
5. WRITE CRAZY TALK ABOUT BISEXUAL RIGHTS.
6. LAMELY TRY TO HURT PEOPLE TO MAKE UP FOR THE HURT I FELT.
7. TRANSFER TO BARNARD BECAUSE I'VE SHOT MY REPUTATION.
8. SPEND MY LIFE BEING USELESS AND ANNOYING UNTIL I CAN GET PAIDE FOR IT.
(not exactly in that order... results may vary)
HA HA HA HA. YOU'RE A BAD PERSON SASHA CAGEN!
Happy Frickin' Birthday You Stupid Jerk
It's that time of year when all the Jeroen Krabbe haters pay hommage to the man whose villainy walks in the guise of Perfect Mandom:
"I feel like I'm back in the Arabian Nights!" Like hell you do, Jerk! When were you ever in the Arabian Nights, buddy?
I hate you!
ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!
(you just made me burn my hot and sour soup you ___hole)
"I feel like I'm back in the Arabian Nights!" Like hell you do, Jerk! When were you ever in the Arabian Nights, buddy?
I hate you!
ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!
(you just made me burn my hot and sour soup you ___hole)
20071102
Kevin Durant is the Shit
Kevin Durant has given Michelle Shocked something to be shocked about again. Talk about Red Hot and Blue! Durant was looking all of that Thursday night -- except he was in green and not blue -- as he put the ball through the hole more times than my head has been dunked under for a chocolate swirlie.
As everybody knows, after Law IV, Joakim Noah, Dominic McGuire, Nick Young and Al Horford, Jeff Green and Kevin Durant have always been my favorite rookies. Well, they both made some noise in Seattle last night. (Except noone could hear it 'cus it was Supersonic -- get it?) Even after Doug "Destroy Kwame Brown's self-esteem for life" Collins took expectations down a notch, saying stuff like inDurantz (shhh... I'm seeing if it will catch on) was too young to carry the load in the fourth quarter, he still sank a three and a two back to back, making you believe that a run was possible. More than that, though, is the way he just looked cold doing it. Now I know that the Suns don't actually have anyone to put a body on the rook. Nevertheless, it looks like he and his buddy Jeff will be playing for rings a few years out... just hoping it won't be in the OK.
Meanwhile, Amare is still competing with Gilbert for the name of my first born son. I'm liking Gilbert's chances if he pulls out another last second three tonight against the Celtics... and sending the game to overtime doesn't count.
As everybody knows, after Law IV, Joakim Noah, Dominic McGuire, Nick Young and Al Horford, Jeff Green and Kevin Durant have always been my favorite rookies. Well, they both made some noise in Seattle last night. (Except noone could hear it 'cus it was Supersonic -- get it?) Even after Doug "Destroy Kwame Brown's self-esteem for life" Collins took expectations down a notch, saying stuff like inDurantz (shhh... I'm seeing if it will catch on) was too young to carry the load in the fourth quarter, he still sank a three and a two back to back, making you believe that a run was possible. More than that, though, is the way he just looked cold doing it. Now I know that the Suns don't actually have anyone to put a body on the rook. Nevertheless, it looks like he and his buddy Jeff will be playing for rings a few years out... just hoping it won't be in the OK.
Meanwhile, Amare is still competing with Gilbert for the name of my first born son. I'm liking Gilbert's chances if he pulls out another last second three tonight against the Celtics... and sending the game to overtime doesn't count.
Procrastination never felt so good
OK. Thanks for taking care of the update, Jew. Just so they no, stupid, that I'm the guy with the nice chest and not the dumb goof with the paddle.
Our lengthy absence explained...
The below audiovisual aid should offer a full debrief on how Monkey and I have spent the past four months.
Oh, and by the way, you'll notice that there is no appearance made in the 3 some-odd minutes of footage provided of the lovely twin Austrian milkmaids, Dagmar and Heidi. Let's just say that their loveliness is now a thing of the past in our minds -- like Stendhal's famous branch now bereft of salt crystals. They said they wanted us to see Oktoberfest in Kitzbuhel... how could we have known...
Oh, and by the way, you'll notice that there is no appearance made in the 3 some-odd minutes of footage provided of the lovely twin Austrian milkmaids, Dagmar and Heidi. Let's just say that their loveliness is now a thing of the past in our minds -- like Stendhal's famous branch now bereft of salt crystals. They said they wanted us to see Oktoberfest in Kitzbuhel... how could we have known...
20070704
Restoring America's Pride
Serious props to Joey Chestnut for restoring America's most coveted sports title to its rightful place!
20070701
Genius vs Genius
Not to be overshadowed by Thursday's atrocious Supreme Court decisions...
the debate continues among sports fans over who is more of a genius: Ernie Grunfeld for picking up key bench points and a tough, battle-tested shot blocker and rebounder in, respectively, Nick Young and Dominic McGuire -- two players who will nicely complement the Hibachi cookout in DC; or Steve Kerr for his acquisition of two "Matrix" caliber players in Alando Tucker and D.J. Strawberry.
Meanwhile, sartorial-minded ballers (who regret that sparkplug Frenchie big-man Joakim Noah has to begin his career with the turncoat, emo Chicago Bulls) will be thinking of a different competition, is Joakim Noah in formal wear better dressed than (Lay down the) Law IV in those awesome new Hawks jerseys? (photos to come)
I guess, I'm upset with the Bulls, 'cus I kind of really wanted to see sparkplug Frenchie big-man running the floor with Adam "That 70s Show" Morrison. Such a roster move probably would have enabled Jordan to convince Dr. Funk to come out of retirement...
the debate continues among sports fans over who is more of a genius: Ernie Grunfeld for picking up key bench points and a tough, battle-tested shot blocker and rebounder in, respectively, Nick Young and Dominic McGuire -- two players who will nicely complement the Hibachi cookout in DC; or Steve Kerr for his acquisition of two "Matrix" caliber players in Alando Tucker and D.J. Strawberry.
Meanwhile, sartorial-minded ballers (who regret that sparkplug Frenchie big-man Joakim Noah has to begin his career with the turncoat, emo Chicago Bulls) will be thinking of a different competition, is Joakim Noah in formal wear better dressed than (Lay down the) Law IV in those awesome new Hawks jerseys? (photos to come)
I guess, I'm upset with the Bulls, 'cus I kind of really wanted to see sparkplug Frenchie big-man running the floor with Adam "That 70s Show" Morrison. Such a roster move probably would have enabled Jordan to convince Dr. Funk to come out of retirement...
Bryan Adams: Greatest Unsung Hero
Do people even realize how important Bryan Adams is to the rest of the world? Surely, if we taught geography to our kids, here, this would be one of the top lessons in that subject. Indeed, whenever I do travel, I always make sure to pack one or two Bryan Adams cassettes, just to have something to talk about with the Dutch backpacker in the Bed 'n' Breakfast. Or to not talk about, actually, since listening to Bryan Adams with a foreigner is the closest to Rousseau's ideal of transparence in communication that we will ever find.
Which brings me to my main point, and let's say it all together: "Bryan Adams, Knight of the Commonwealth!"
By the way, I'm going to kill ASM for not letting me know sooner that Bryan Adams was of Maltese descent, in addition to being Canadian.
Which brings me to my main point, and let's say it all together: "Bryan Adams, Knight of the Commonwealth!"
By the way, I'm going to kill ASM for not letting me know sooner that Bryan Adams was of Maltese descent, in addition to being Canadian.
Things I hate today, special Cokie Roberts edition
Okay, Cokie is probably climbing up my list to Chris Noth-type altitudes... And it's probably worse that she can still be found on television in forms other than syndication.
I can't be the only one who is baffled by such a glib response to one of the most devastatingly glib Supreme Court decisions in recent memory as "People have to understand that elections have consequences!" Oh, do they? Do they usually have the consequence of overturning 90 years of precedent in dealing with anti-trust legislation? Do they usually have the consequence of overturning a landmark decision that has defined our understanding of racial justice for over 50 years? Are we allowed a reasonable expectation that such a momentous and devastating decision, if made, should be based on some higher form of argument than the blithely oblivious sloganeering of "the best way to stop discrimination is to stop discriminating." A decision that demonstrates a complete lack of understanding of our nation's divisive history and enduring injustices, and furthermore a phrase that sounds more like a political rebuke than jurisprudence.
So, no, Cokie, I don't think such radical repositioning of our country is what people expect from elections. If elections were supposed to have such consequences, shouldn't the newly elected Congress have the constitutional power to re-stack the Supreme Court? (Speaking of which, has anybody checked to see if Justices Roberts and Alito are still using their Republican National Committee e-mail addresses?)
Does Cokie Roberts have any idea that people actually live in this country and have to face the realities created by public policy decisions? Or does she just think that politics is a strip club, where she can venture in as a "sociological experiment", later to be laughed about with her buddies, Sam and George...
Perhaps I shouldn't continue watching This Week with George Stephanopolous anymore... Perhaps the kind of nostalgia over the Clinton administration that keeps me hooked is misplaced and would better be devoted to downloading Barack Obama ringtones.
I can't be the only one who is baffled by such a glib response to one of the most devastatingly glib Supreme Court decisions in recent memory as "People have to understand that elections have consequences!" Oh, do they? Do they usually have the consequence of overturning 90 years of precedent in dealing with anti-trust legislation? Do they usually have the consequence of overturning a landmark decision that has defined our understanding of racial justice for over 50 years? Are we allowed a reasonable expectation that such a momentous and devastating decision, if made, should be based on some higher form of argument than the blithely oblivious sloganeering of "the best way to stop discrimination is to stop discriminating." A decision that demonstrates a complete lack of understanding of our nation's divisive history and enduring injustices, and furthermore a phrase that sounds more like a political rebuke than jurisprudence.
So, no, Cokie, I don't think such radical repositioning of our country is what people expect from elections. If elections were supposed to have such consequences, shouldn't the newly elected Congress have the constitutional power to re-stack the Supreme Court? (Speaking of which, has anybody checked to see if Justices Roberts and Alito are still using their Republican National Committee e-mail addresses?)
Does Cokie Roberts have any idea that people actually live in this country and have to face the realities created by public policy decisions? Or does she just think that politics is a strip club, where she can venture in as a "sociological experiment", later to be laughed about with her buddies, Sam and George...
Perhaps I shouldn't continue watching This Week with George Stephanopolous anymore... Perhaps the kind of nostalgia over the Clinton administration that keeps me hooked is misplaced and would better be devoted to downloading Barack Obama ringtones.
20070620
Arizona lawmakers stave off UN brainwashing
Arizona lawmakers stand firm against this very real danger to our youth's well-being. As Sen. Rob Gould so aptly puts it "We're actually into educating Americans into Americanism, not internationalism."
I'll lift my carafe of Sambucca to that proposition!
I'll lift my carafe of Sambucca to that proposition!
20070619
Wrong way to answer a reporter
From today's Arizona Republic story on the Police reunion concert:
A pair of fans in their 20s drove over from San Diego to catch the concert.
“They're fun and they're a legend,” said Susie Thomas, 29.
Her friend, Baker Roberts, 29, said he has been a big fan since hearing Every Breath You Take on his mother's car radio as a youngster.
Okay Baker, now we know why you're "just a friend"...
A pair of fans in their 20s drove over from San Diego to catch the concert.
“They're fun and they're a legend,” said Susie Thomas, 29.
Her friend, Baker Roberts, 29, said he has been a big fan since hearing Every Breath You Take on his mother's car radio as a youngster.
Okay Baker, now we know why you're "just a friend"...
Hot dogs (continued)
Speaking of lewd dogs, many people wonder what has happened to Spuds MacKenzie, former Budweiser mascot. Last we saw of Spuds, she was hitting up Tone Loc's dog, Rover for some Funky Cold Medina... and possibly some action. (She appears at 1:54)
Well, not just possibly. The tests are in, and they have found that the late Spuds and the deadbeat Rover actually did conceive. Their legacy? Well, obviously, the Target dog!
On another note, many of you out there have complained about the absence of recent posts from this blog. Well, to be honest with you, LIJ and I have been mired in the process of moving in together to save on rent. Well, you can imagine the farcical contretemps that ensued as we both realized we were dating the same Austrian milkmaid. Well, we came just short of fisticuffs... and the aftermath? It was difficult to rebuild trust and continue blogging together... until, of course, we realized she had a twin sister!
Blondie haunted by past indiscretions
We have long known the Blondie and Dagwood series of comic strips as a source of male chauvinist stereotyping of women and profligate sandwich-making, but the true assault on America's morals perpetrated by second wave artists Marshall and Young has never bared its canines (so to speak) with greater menace than in yesterday's comics section.
What's next, Dagwood pulling a Portnoy with the pickle loaf? Bleech... disgusting!
What's next, Dagwood pulling a Portnoy with the pickle loaf? Bleech... disgusting!
20070608
Angry Surrender Monkey's Eschatology of the Day
Oh no, is that a space tractor?!? We're all going to die!
Angry Surrender Monkey's Scatology of the Day
Blowfish
Used in a sentence:
Hootie and the Blowfish concert tickets go on sale Friday.
Used in a sentence:
Hootie and the Blowfish concert tickets go on sale Friday.
I've been stewing for three weeks!
Thank you, Monkey, for explaining how we spent the past miserable 21 days. Now I can see why Benicio Del Toro got so angry at Sandra Bullock for stealing Sean Penn's heart while trying to recover from drug and alcohol addiction...
Well, enough said about Chris Noth...
So, I've hated a lot of things since I last checked in. Please see below for a full listing:
Cokie Roberts and Sam Donaldson.
Live tracks that aren't from Frampton comes alive!
(Have you ever tried to decide whether you're going to stick with the station playing Lionel Richie's "All Nite Long" or switch to the classic rock station playing Kiss' "Rock and Roll All Nite", but then you realize that it's only the live version of the Kiss song, so you have to deal with the fading of the chorus as he points the microphone out into the audience?)
Studio tracks that don't have pre-recorded crowd noise mixed in.
People who, instead of playing Mariachi music, insist on listening to Mariachi music as played by Kronos Quartet.
People who try to talk to you while you're listening to a track off of Who's Next.
People who try to talk to you while you're trying to do a Pete Townsend air-guitar windmill to "Don't get fooled again" while driving.
People who try to talk to you while you're trying to do a Pete Townsend air-guitar windmill to "Don't get fooled again" while driving, and it's just at the point where Roger Daltrey is singing "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss!"
People who read poetry by Louise Gluck to teenagers, because they think that it's good for them.
Louise Gluck.
The Decepticons.
Movies based on children's toys.
Movies based on children's toys that were never that cool to begin with.
Movies based on children's toys that nobody's played with in about 25 years; or, if they have, then that's not okay.
Movies based on children's toys that Gianmarco had, but that my parent's refused to buy me.
Gianmarco's Mom.
Maybe Michael Bay was Gianmarco's Mom?
Evan Almighty.
Bite me, Chris Noth!
Well, enough said about Chris Noth...
So, I've hated a lot of things since I last checked in. Please see below for a full listing:
Cokie Roberts and Sam Donaldson.
Live tracks that aren't from Frampton comes alive!
(Have you ever tried to decide whether you're going to stick with the station playing Lionel Richie's "All Nite Long" or switch to the classic rock station playing Kiss' "Rock and Roll All Nite", but then you realize that it's only the live version of the Kiss song, so you have to deal with the fading of the chorus as he points the microphone out into the audience?)
Studio tracks that don't have pre-recorded crowd noise mixed in.
People who, instead of playing Mariachi music, insist on listening to Mariachi music as played by Kronos Quartet.
People who try to talk to you while you're listening to a track off of Who's Next.
People who try to talk to you while you're trying to do a Pete Townsend air-guitar windmill to "Don't get fooled again" while driving.
People who try to talk to you while you're trying to do a Pete Townsend air-guitar windmill to "Don't get fooled again" while driving, and it's just at the point where Roger Daltrey is singing "Meet the new boss, same as the old boss!"
People who read poetry by Louise Gluck to teenagers, because they think that it's good for them.
Louise Gluck.
The Decepticons.
Movies based on children's toys.
Movies based on children's toys that were never that cool to begin with.
Movies based on children's toys that nobody's played with in about 25 years; or, if they have, then that's not okay.
Movies based on children's toys that Gianmarco had, but that my parent's refused to buy me.
Gianmarco's Mom.
Maybe Michael Bay was Gianmarco's Mom?
Evan Almighty.
Bite me, Chris Noth!
20070606
Chris Noth's Secret Hideout for Evildoing
Oh... I forgot to mention that the reason I got so angry about Chris Noth in my previous post was due to the fact that he captured me and Jew on our special mission to New Mexico. We might have avoided his trap, but our guide hadn't been to Taos in over twenty years. That is the last time we find a guide on "Senior Citizen's Guide to Detroit." Oh, and our villainometer went haywire somewhere around Chaco. Something about the "Ancient Enemy" throwing the whole contraption out of whack... That is the last time we take a 50-year-old villainometer to places where long-dead secrets lie buried and millenial curses lie heavy in the dusty, desert air.
Anyway, this whole Chris Noth thing was terrible. He kept cackling. Then, he tied us to bucket seats and made us watch his movie "The Perfect Man" over and over and over again! Each time he appeared onscreen he would cackle and stentorishly prevail upon us, "I am the Perfect Man!" Then, he wouldn't start the movie again until we repeated, "You are the Perfect Man!"
Then, he made us eat snacks that looked like infants (more on that, later). They were disgustingly sweet, and yet somehow sublime. Not unlike Mr. Noth's portrayal of Zbig in "Sex and the City":
Then, he made us take giant maps of Europe and cross out the A-N-D in "Holland" and replace it with Y-W-O-O-D.
Then, we had to drink Mountain Dew until we could no longer pronounce the word X-Treme without scraping swollen tastebuds off the tips of our tongues.
After a couple of weeks, we managed to escape, all thanks to Jew vomiting over the hemp chord that bound his hands together until the acid from his stomach burned through the knot. The situation was delicate, because Jew was dry-heaving so bad after that courageous effort, that I had to carry him out on my back. (Oh, the irony!)
I know what you're thinking... "Oh, how herring of an adventure!" But the important thing to come out of all this is that we escaped and are now safe and sound and may return to blogging, as per usual. Thanks G_d!
Anyway, this whole Chris Noth thing was terrible. He kept cackling. Then, he tied us to bucket seats and made us watch his movie "The Perfect Man" over and over and over again! Each time he appeared onscreen he would cackle and stentorishly prevail upon us, "I am the Perfect Man!" Then, he wouldn't start the movie again until we repeated, "You are the Perfect Man!"
Then, he made us eat snacks that looked like infants (more on that, later). They were disgustingly sweet, and yet somehow sublime. Not unlike Mr. Noth's portrayal of Zbig in "Sex and the City":
Then, he made us take giant maps of Europe and cross out the A-N-D in "Holland" and replace it with Y-W-O-O-D.
Then, we had to drink Mountain Dew until we could no longer pronounce the word X-Treme without scraping swollen tastebuds off the tips of our tongues.
After a couple of weeks, we managed to escape, all thanks to Jew vomiting over the hemp chord that bound his hands together until the acid from his stomach burned through the knot. The situation was delicate, because Jew was dry-heaving so bad after that courageous effort, that I had to carry him out on my back. (Oh, the irony!)
I know what you're thinking... "Oh, how herring of an adventure!" But the important thing to come out of all this is that we escaped and are now safe and sound and may return to blogging, as per usual. Thanks G_d!
Chris Noth's Evil Lair
"Teenager Holly Hamilton (Hilary Duff) is tired of moving every time her single mom Jean (Heather Locklear) has another personal meltdown involving yet another second-rate guy. To distract her mother from her latest bad choice, Holly conceives the perfect plan for the perfect man.. an imaginary secret admirer who will romance Jean and boost her shaky self-esteem. When the virtual relationship takes off, Holly finds herself having to produce the suitor, borrowing her friend's charming and handsome Uncle Ben(Chris Noth) as the face behind the e-mails, notes and gifts."
DON'T TRUST HIM, HILARY... He'll never make your mother happy! He's NOT "The Perfect Man" (Pixar, 2005), he's just a quintessential Hollywood good guy, who, should he have been born in Amster"DAMN that Harrison Ford!" in Holland -- or, for us Monkeys, Les Pays-Bas (roughly translated as the Netherlands for those not in the know) -- well, he might have ended up playing Satan in some TV miniseries about Jesus.
I am sooo angry!
DON'T TRUST HIM, HILARY... He'll never make your mother happy! He's NOT "The Perfect Man" (Pixar, 2005), he's just a quintessential Hollywood good guy, who, should he have been born in Amster"DAMN that Harrison Ford!" in Holland -- or, for us Monkeys, Les Pays-Bas (roughly translated as the Netherlands for those not in the know) -- well, he might have ended up playing Satan in some TV miniseries about Jesus.
I am sooo angry!
20070517
Jeroen Krabbe sighting?
Our villainometer is picking up some heavy typecast signals in Taos, New Mexico. ASM and I are going to head over there to check it out.
[Damn it, Monkey! Get your own damn Perrier bottle, I'm sick of tasting your frickin' Surrender Monkey drool in my bubbly!]
So, as I was saying, we may be on the road for about a week. When we get back online, expect a full accounting of our findings. Could it really be Jeroen Krabbe? Or is it just perennial-frickin'-good-guy Chris Noth trying to hide his tracks?
Things I hate today... other than Chris Noth
David Stern
The very real threat posed by cotton swabs
David Stern
Antibacterial soap
David Stern
Perrier backwash (too much sharing going on between me and the Monkey)
David Stern
The very real threat posed by cotton swabs
David Stern
Antibacterial soap
David Stern
Perrier backwash (too much sharing going on between me and the Monkey)
David Stern
20070514
Things I hate today... other than Chris Noth
Blake Lewis
Blake Gopnick
Adam Gopnick
The San Antonio Spurs
That means you, Bruce Bowen!
Not you, Tony. Le Général is always okay in my book. Niiiiice!
300
Anybody who likes 300
Anybody who hates 300 for reasons that are not the same as the reasons why I hate 300
Blake Gopnick
Adam Gopnick
The San Antonio Spurs
That means you, Bruce Bowen!
Not you, Tony. Le Général is always okay in my book. Niiiiice!
300
Anybody who likes 300
Anybody who hates 300 for reasons that are not the same as the reasons why I hate 300
Has this ever happened to you?
I've been known to sing a fair Don't Stop Believing myself, but my karaoke experience has never really gone to these extremes.
The Passion of Annie Camden
An interesting thesis is advanced in an article from the Sunday edition of the "Nation's Newspaper" (well, the Minutemen's nation, at least). I would like to take issue, however, with some of the postulates undergirding the overall argument of the article. For instance, I don't believe that Catherine Hicks is actually a Scottsdale native. Also, I would like to refute the notion that 7th Heaven, because it is a "family" program could not develop a cult following. I personally have experienced eerie moments of recognition with several fellow members of the tribe -- by the way, never use that term to refer to Jews in the North Central (AZ); it just causes confusion -- when we learned that we had been watching 7th Heaven religiously for years, all the time thinking "I've got to be the only young Jewish male obsessed with the Camdens." Well, no...
What is it about the Camdens that kept us watching like people at a superbowl party watching the Superbowl -- except more attentively? Was it the fact that they just seemed to thrive on a decision-making model that involves neither guilt nor rational thinking? Was it the sense of illicit discovery of how Christian families live (the famed "Christmas Invitation Complex")? Was it Mary, and her offscreen descent into a slattern and profligate life of infidelity and clandestine phone calls to her younger sibs? Was it Brian's whirlwind wedding to a beautiful Jewess, thus providing Richard Lewis another unexpected paycheck in his guest appearance as Brian's rabbinical father-in-law -- the greatest coup for middlebrow Jewish talent since Judd Hirsch saved the world in ID-4? Was it the bizarre and shameles Oreo tie-in of the entire last season on the WB?
Whatever it was, the Camden family kept us hooked, and Annie Camden is right in scolding America for not believing enough in family programming. What other show on television can pass off an entire brood's neurotic fear of sex and revolving door of vagrant male houseguests as a Norman Rockwell-style vignette of Protestant American life? In fact, I believe that we watched because we understood the show's secret agenda. In the end, it did much more to undermine than to uphold the sense of entitlement and normality possessed by its middle American, family values target audience. That is why, in the telling episode when Eric becomes obsessed with talking to Ruthie about her first menstruation, rather than being the shark-jumping, "Ruthie won't be an adorable child sage forever?!?" episode of the series, it was in fact the apotheosis of the show's primary mission of revealing religious America's mania to control every aspect of child sexuality. If only the CW was renewed for another season, we might have seen Eric battle Ruthie's school over its new HPV vaccination program. Alas, it was not to be...
In any case, I will keep seeking out and updating you, dear reader, on other 7th Heaven post-mortems. My gratitude goes out to all those who might draw my attention to similar articles.
20070513
Unsmelly poo
Mary asks about her AB's unsmelly poo. I don't know how to answer you, Mary. Tell me I have a PhD in Crapology, and I'll bye you a cigar (ha ha... Roar!). All I can think of is that next time LIJ gives me a chocolate swirlie, I sure hope it's your baby's poo!
Things I hate today... other than Chris Noth
Fall Out Boy (Everytime ASM plays that song while we're blogging I want to give him a monkey-chocolate swirlie!)
Anybody who gives Fall Out Boy street cred by producing their tracks
Arcade Fire (Thank you Canada, but we'll take Bryan Adams.)
Anybody who links to Youtube videos of Arcade Fire
Arcade Fire is soooo ugly. Ugly people should not be making music. And they seem so sad too. Why are they soooo sad?
Vandertramp verbs
Anybody who insists that passer should be including as a middle intitial in the Vandertramp verbs
Hairspray the movie based on the musical
Hairspray the musical
Hairspray the movie
Any movie that is based on the Broadway musical version of a movie
Ragnarok: The Twilight of the Gods
Anybody who doesn't worry about Ragnarok
Bite me, Chris Noth!
Anybody who gives Fall Out Boy street cred by producing their tracks
Arcade Fire (Thank you Canada, but we'll take Bryan Adams.)
Anybody who links to Youtube videos of Arcade Fire
Arcade Fire is soooo ugly. Ugly people should not be making music. And they seem so sad too. Why are they soooo sad?
Vandertramp verbs
Anybody who insists that passer should be including as a middle intitial in the Vandertramp verbs
Hairspray the movie based on the musical
Hairspray the musical
Hairspray the movie
Any movie that is based on the Broadway musical version of a movie
Ragnarok: The Twilight of the Gods
Anybody who doesn't worry about Ragnarok
Bite me, Chris Noth!
20070506
Notre Raison d'Etre (Part II)
Anyone who enjoys procrastination should also enjoy reading this blog.
By way of Introduction
Gilbert Arenas: This blog was created to express my love of your game. By the way, don't tell Jeroen Krabbe.
Other readers: What can I say except that I really like Jeroen Krabbe and I hate Chris Noth?
Other readers: What can I say except that I really like Jeroen Krabbe and I hate Chris Noth?
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