Chris Noth's Secret Hideout for Evildoing

Oh... I forgot to mention that the reason I got so angry about Chris Noth in my previous post was due to the fact that he captured me and Jew on our special mission to New Mexico. We might have avoided his trap, but our guide hadn't been to Taos in over twenty years. That is the last time we find a guide on "Senior Citizen's Guide to Detroit." Oh, and our villainometer went haywire somewhere around Chaco. Something about the "Ancient Enemy" throwing the whole contraption out of whack... That is the last time we take a 50-year-old villainometer to places where long-dead secrets lie buried and millenial curses lie heavy in the dusty, desert air.



Anyway, this whole Chris Noth thing was terrible. He kept cackling. Then, he tied us to bucket seats and made us watch his movie "The Perfect Man" over and over and over again! Each time he appeared onscreen he would cackle and stentorishly prevail upon us, "I am the Perfect Man!" Then, he wouldn't start the movie again until we repeated, "You are the Perfect Man!"



Then, he made us eat snacks that looked like infants (more on that, later). They were disgustingly sweet, and yet somehow sublime. Not unlike Mr. Noth's portrayal of Zbig in "Sex and the City":


Then, he made us take giant maps of Europe and cross out the A-N-D in "Holland" and replace it with Y-W-O-O-D.

Then, we had to drink Mountain Dew until we could no longer pronounce the word X-Treme without scraping swollen tastebuds off the tips of our tongues.

After a couple of weeks, we managed to escape, all thanks to Jew vomiting over the hemp chord that bound his hands together until the acid from his stomach burned through the knot. The situation was delicate, because Jew was dry-heaving so bad after that courageous effort, that I had to carry him out on my back. (Oh, the irony!)

I know what you're thinking... "Oh, how herring of an adventure!" But the important thing to come out of all this is that we escaped and are now safe and sound and may return to blogging, as per usual. Thanks G_d!